March 24th, 2012
|11:11 am - An idea|
Oh geeze, I still have some of the words playing in my mind because what the woman said to me was sick and twisted. She is a bitch and I will never ever forgive her. I had nothing to do with the whole thing and yet I got dragged into it making it all my fault.
However since I left I've become much happier. In the span of a day I was smiling. I felt less stressed, and its leaning me towards this staying like this.
I like it. I like the idea of tossing my hair to the side, moving forward, and never looking back.
|12:04 am - I feel sick|
Not because I'm actually sick, and not because I'm actually hurt by the words she said.
I'm just stressed. I'm just stressed to think that people still do shit like this. To think that I've been pulled into shit again...oh time and time again people come to me. I'm attacked for who I am.
And now that I'm typing my words out I'm feeling better. I'm relaxing. I know what I did wasn't wrong, I know if someone really has a problem they will talk to me.
I've talked to the people I care about.
The rest can kiss my ass, I'm better than that!
I'd post what the whole thing was about but few people would get it.
What if they see it too? That would just cause more drama for me and I don't care for it right now.
This whole thing is silly.
March 23rd, 2012
|07:59 am - LJ I missed you, I need you now more than ever|
Why do I ever leave here? I can post and vent to my hearts content here. I can say the things I want an I can be safe because on lj, no one knows who I am. Only one person actually knows me on here and she wouldn't even know half the people I mention. Nor would she tell them.
I love lj because sometimes I just need to get things off my chest.
Like the confusion I feel towards someone who apparently is deeply reading into the things I say? IDK what her problem is but she apparently does not like how I roll. Still, now that I've been made aware of the situation and know that she is the only one upset by it. I was hurt but with a hot shower I'm already feeling better. once I sleep I'll forget about it.
I thought a lot of other things were involving me but that was self guilt. I make myself feel bad over the dumbest things. Things that don't even involve me. I need to stop that.
I've made a lot of close friends, but thanks to my self hate I keep pushing them away. I need to stop that.
I'm glad I have Anthony, the boy is very nice to me. He's like a rock for me. A big brother that I don't fight with. (I love devin but I always feel like I'm upseting him... again self hate issues on my part)
I hate me, there is no way to sugar coat that. I really need to stop doing that.
A lot of emotions are piling on my mind right now since I haven't slept yet. This can't be good for my health. Not at all...and I just got onto another friend for not sleeping...
Gah! speaking of which! why am i such a terrible flirt? I can fake flirt and joke till the cows come home, but when I'm actually trying to hint to a guy I may like him I have to go right out and be like "i'm flirting." or something like that and damn it I don't want to do that!
I did that with one guy and now he wont talk to me really, though a good portion has to do with how busy he is...
i see him posting depressing shit and all I can do is just sit and stare at my keyboard going "...I want to hug you. I want to be here for you. Can't I be your friend at least?"
i hate it! he's such a great guy and I just want to know that he's smiling!
I kinda like him now that I think about it.
When i first flirted i was like 'we're in private, he's really cute, I want to cheer him up' and now im like "....i may actually like him." though I'll grow out of it soon. out of it? past it I think is better.
because liking people is a chore. its not fun and i don't enjoy it.
i hate the things that come with feelings for people.
i have two people dragging down my happiness for their own because of stupid shit like that.
its not cool.
feelings are a terrible thing when you share them.
January 7th, 2012
|12:26 pm - love|
When a crush doesn't like you, you frown and move on.
When a love doesn't love you, you cry and move on.
When the love of your life doesn't love you, you cry and smile for him as he leaves you behind.
January 6th, 2012
|12:27 am - I just need to rant|
No matter what I do, I always come out short. I can't win. Its hard but its part of life, I'm used to it but I still have to rant every now and again just to keep myself from tearing up.
I'm so frustrated.
I thought I was having a good time in life, thought things would go my way. Then a friend turned out to be a jerk. Then another that I really like(this may become past tense soon....) has a lot of mood swings. I think I'm just being silly but it still hurts sometimes.
So much is happening that I don't like, but I'll have to deal with it at some point.
I was brought to tears today and I couldn't deal with it, so I just had to type something...anything..
but like always, Kevon saved me.
In his own silly way, he picked me up and made me smile.
June 25th, 2011
|04:17 am - Late Nights|
Its been a while since I've been on.
A long while actually. Though part of the reason is because I tend to wait until I have some things to say. For example Miya has a new bond, though its a bit weaker than her others by far. His name is Rin. I can't say for sure how long he will be around but he is currently spending time studying the places Miya goes. He says that its much different from the places hes been. It makes me curious as to where he has been.
I've been doing a bit more myself lately. I've actually spent some time visiting Firo, and checking on Miya's closest friends just to put her mind at ease. I even stopped back home for a bit, though Miya really doesn't know a lot about that.
Not everything has gone so smoothly though. Incubus got out for the first time, it wasn't pretty. I never told Miya everything that happened, and I think its better that way. It scared her enough coming back to the front only to find her wrist bleeding. I really don't think she needs to know some of the other things. I feel bad that I couldn't protect her from all of that.
I enjoy being around her most of the time. I do like doing other things, but my reason for being here is to protect and help Miya. Chann and Kani agree, which is why we spend almost all of our time looking out for her. Like now for example, she could not sleep so I took over and did some cleaning for her. I ended up not doing a lot, but I did get it started. Hopefully that will give her some personal motivation.
I finally checked my yahoo emails today. I had emails unopened from at least a year ago, and some of them ended up depressing me. I saw an email from facebook saying that someone wanted to be my friend. It was a really old request from a girl that Miya and I used to know. I looked at her profile and was filled with disappointment. I know that people don't stay friends and that they had a huge fight, but the girl has just been uncivil about it at times. I wonder how people can be like that at times. It upsets me just a bit to be honest.
So this whole late night adventure has been fun, but I am starting to get sleepy. Miya has work tomorrow and I hope she has a good time. I'll probably be doing something with Chann or Firo around then. Then again I may have to keep Rin in check, he is a bit too free spirited sometimes.
Anyway, I'm sorry for wasting anyone's time I just wanted to get somethings off my chest. I enjoy this place, its one where I get to spend my free time expressing myself.
May 6th, 2011
|04:12 pm - I wish|
I wish I had friends
I wish I was happy
I wish this wasn't so hard
I wish you cared about me
I wish I was dead
Thats all I can do is wish. I'm too annoying to have friends, too depressed to be happy, I'm too much of a bitch for anyone to actually care about me, and I'm too chicken to kill myself.
Its stupid really, I can't do anything for myself except for bitch. I'm miserable and the only person who's fault it is is mine.
I hate myself so much...I'm so worthless and I can't even do that right.
I wish I was dead but I can't even kill myself properly.
May 3rd, 2011
|07:00 pm - Daily life is changing|
I really shouldn't be on here right now. Miyaka is supposed to be listening to her professor but I ended up taking to the front regardless.
Still, I rarely take the time to update so this is, in a way, a good thing. I'm very proud that Miyaka took a stand and actually posted more about us. I really think she's finally starting to understand this as a whole.
Her brother on the other hand, scares me. I'm not sure he is pleased with any of us, least of all me. I've never heard of any bond being taken from their host by force but he made it clear it was possible. I'm not entirely sure how I should feel about it, considering the whole thing is my fault.
I made a social mistake and payed for it. However I think he is starting to understand that my host is the one most important to me.
Ah I'm terribly sorry if I've wasted anyone's time by posting this.
That is all for now~
April 10th, 2011
|03:34 am - who we are|
Miyaka: Me, the host, the main person.
Kristy: (18) My guardian and strongest bond. She appeared around the sixth grade at a really hard time in my life. She allowed me to name her when she showed herself.
Chann: (16) Appeared after Kristy, refers to herself as "Chann-chann". She influences a lot of the energy I use. Ie: my hyperness
Kanni: (1000+) Came about after working on a story, while completly different than the girl I was working on I feel that she took that form because I was still young and it was something I could wrap my mind around. She has since told me that her real name is something along the lines of "Azura".
EriVat: (20) A male version of myself, came about at the time when I was trying to avoid men at all costs.
Ari: (17) A young mute girl who helps me when I know I shouldn't say anything. She came about when I was going to be arrested. (long story)
Incubus: (??) A figure of evil, and a voice of suicide.
Grell: AKA Jack the ripper, originally from England.
Bakura: Came around just about the same time as Kristy and has never left since.
Tony: AKA, Vino, Clair, or Rail Tracer. Originally from Brooklyn.
Sven and Eve: A love of mine and my soul daughter. They haven't been around in a while though.
The Role Holders of Heart Country: Much weaker bonds, I happen to have things in common with all of them and so they have been here from time to time.
There are some weaker bonds that have only appeared in real times of need for them, the ones above are ones that are either here all the time or at least 30% of it.
I'm sorry if this post confuses anyone...and if anyone understands and can help me understand them more then I would love to talk with you.
|02:25 am - idiot|
You are an idiot! You think that just because you aren't with her, its the end of the world! You think every little thing now is going to effect her life to the fullest!
She fell out of love with you, and you don't even notice it. You think that if you can get her to take you back that everything will be ok. And you had the fucking nerve to say to ME that if someone has to get hurt it should be you.
HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?! Most likely you'll walk away happy in the end of this! You know who will get hurt? The girl who will probably take you back when she forces herself to think that she loves you again, and she'll just hurt herself in the end. Oh and me, your supposed "best friend" who has to sit and watch you do this to yourself. The one who has to give you advice when you ask for it because I love you.
I love you, you fucking idiot! And I don't want you hurt! You're my best friend, my brother, and one of my soul mates. I can't stand to see you put your whole life on a girl who you think loves you but doesn't.
I don't know how to tell you, and in the end I just know someone will be hurt. I can't save you from this, and what kills me the most,
more than the fact that you'll be hurt
more than the fact that my other friend will be hurt
more than the fact that i'll be hurt
is that you won't come to me first to help you.
I've told you how much I love you and I'm starting to think that you don't realize what you mean to me. And that I will never be that close of a friend to you.
I don't think you realize that no matter what, you've already hurt me far worse than a teenage romance will hurt you.
sorry to anyone who reads this. I need to vent, badly.